It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Thursday Thought.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.