Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.