Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where