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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.