Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out