When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
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everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol