If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Pandas 🐼🖤
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice