Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
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doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
This came to me in a dream.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.