My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Cat.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
#SaturdayBears
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…