a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
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I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
There’s no “u” in narcissist
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.