Art by Pastelkatto
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.