[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”