All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
You Might Also Like
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.