A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
There’s never enough good news
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Best correction of the day, if not ever: