I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
You Might Also Like
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
WHY would you be happy about this?
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
The glory of fall.