If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I have so many questions.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.