Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
wtf is an acronym
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea