[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
🙁
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.