I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
hackers play passwordle
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”