Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?