Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.