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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you