To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies