I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.