Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
fourth time’s the charm
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
WHY?!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings