So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.