Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
dogs can find happiness so easily
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”