If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.