-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
You Might Also Like
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”