Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
me before I type out affect or effect
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
bias laundering edition
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.