The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
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KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Cinematography is my passion
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.