CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
*jingles half the way*
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms