The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
moms in horror movies
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….