[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.