My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?