Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Well, that should do it
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I think I’m having a stroke
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever