why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
You Might Also Like
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?