ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.