What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
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commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”