Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
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5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’m giving up for Lent.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there