Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken