Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
My five year plan is a meteorite
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
absolute chaos
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?