Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
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therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?