*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks