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*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob