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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.