Oh boy, $150,000!
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.