My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time