Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My sex drive has a dui
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Celery is depressing green water wafers.