When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
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me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”